krishanna.com :: as the crow flies

Grace

I was talking with a friend recently who was having what I assumed to be just a bad day. As we talked, I tried to lift her spirits and lighten her load with some laughter. I reminded her that whatever it was could be worse. She could be like me: fat, crippled, and leaky. She simply said flatly, "It IS worse. I just found out my kid has a congenital heart defect." I was stunned into speechlessness. It sure beat the hell out of out MY stuff.

Her son, who is nearly a couple of years old, had just been diagnosed with Subaortic Stenosis a few days before. Now, out of the blue, she and her family have been dropped into alternate world where everyone's kid has a life threatening illness. I can't help but think that my friend and her husband must feel as though have been kicked out of the ordinary world they resided in before and are now citizens of the Land of the Screwed.

They now must live with the fact that their son has this defect that narrows the ventricle of his heart and can severely impair the blood flow out of his heart. Treatment depends on the cause and the severity of the narrowing. It can include drugs or surgery. It amazes me that my friend, the mother- a talented, creative spirit, accomplished writer, and highly successful, self-employed business woman can still even dress herself, let alone stay so strong and tender.

Last week was a kind of rough one. The flu and pneumonia are no fun and I started feeling like a wired, tired toddler who had way too much sugar and not enough naptime. I decided to have a chat with the Goddess, "You know what? I'm sure you know what you’re doing”, I said accusingly, “but my patience is beginning to wear REALLY fucking thin…"  It took awhile to get past the cacophony in my head to remember that all I needed to do was to be kind and gentle and SILENT with myself.

Silence, I think, comes from the same spot in the universe that gives birth to appreciation, space and breath. Its magic can sometimes lull me into a state of meditation instead of frustrating rumination and hand wringing.

So sitting there, resting in the pristine stillness of silence, I again thought of my friend and her family. I looked around and asked the Goddess, "What on earth are you THINKING?! WTF?!"

And Then Comes Wisdom

We are Human Beings not Human Doings. Sometimes being means we just have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

I used to be in almost constant motion- a million things to do. Some people still say that about me and it might be true but a lot of what I do now, I do sitting.

Yet, years ago, before the spinal cord injury, before the depression, there was always something that HAD to be done: dishes, housekeeping, shopping, dog walking, writing, working, etc. But in the last several years, I have had to learn how to live differently. I have had to find the ability to live with the enormity of what I can't control and what I don't know. I've found that, in reality, very little HAS to be done. The living room does not have to be dusted today; the dishes can wait, the third draft of that article does not have to be written at three in the morning.

Being unable to do a lot of anything that didn't need to be done, I did the impossible. I lowered my standards and changed my perfectionist expectations. I quit looking for that place where the happy medium resided- that spot where there is no discomfort between my need to slow down and desire to fulfill my commitments and meet my responsibilities. People sometimes tell me I am strong or brave or both when I talk with them about my daily struggles, which I don’t often do. They tell me I am deal with it all incredibly well.

But I am not strong or brave or particularly collected about my disability. I just don’t see any other way around dealing with it except to deal with it in as straightforward a manner as I do with other things. People do not always see how resentful, apathetic and hateful I can be about the pain and the other issues that come from having an invisible disability such as mine.

They don't always see my struggle to stretch in some places while learning to accept who I am now, how I am now, in others. They do not always know I am not always people friendly.  It still is not always easy to accept my limitations or recognize when not to give of my time or energy just because I think I should be able to or because I used to be able to. And so I must sometimes depend on the people around me to teach me what I must learn.

My friends and loved ones help me to learn what I can and cannot give them and when by remaining accepting, loving and honest. They remind me that it doesn't matter how far or how fast I move- only how much of myself I bring with me on the journey.

Wisdom uncloaks in shadow and is more easily seen in darkness than in light. I've discovered that if I was to find the wisdom to live with what I couldn't control, what I didn't know, what was painful and still choose life, I had to be willing to meet her in the dark, scary places. Wisdom was there, in the moment when it seemed impossible, when I thought I had nothing more to pull from; she was there in the darkness, pushing me far beyond where I thought I could go.

Wisdom reveals to us what we cannot control or change, shows us what is hard to know about who we are and our spot in the world. She scratches at what we think we know until we are submerged in the largess of the mystery of life- all the while asking that we choose to experience the gorgeous moments life offers and live full, rich and wide lives instead of just hanging on, surviving or continuing.

So what people see as bravery or strength is really surrender. It is a blatant refusal to close my eyes and heart and a choice to stay awake while I am sometimes tossed around like a ragdoll by what I can't control. It is a choice to surrender to what needs to be done without fighting it, worrying over it, or adding to the discomfort with unnecessary anxiety or anger. It is working at finding a way to simply live with the discomfort, accepting it without struggle or the expectation of resolution. It is hard work.

When we surrender, when we cease fighting life when Wisdom calls upon us, we are miraculously carried and the strength to do what must done, the grace to live with the unlivable finds us. It's only then that something can enter- there in the place where there is no trying. There is only being and doing what needs to be done anyway.

NaBloMoPo 05 :: Truth Telling

"We admitted we were ignoring the disordered crap that was right in our faces and it was making us crazy".
~: Anonymous

Each of us has in our possession our own truths.  By sharing these truths we open ourselves up to intimacy and healing, with each other and ourselves. But we still neglect them, fearing judgement, conflict, or worse, loss. We hope we can avoid "having to the tell truth" by romancing half-truths and flirting with deception.