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Are You Living Life or Surviving It?

When I came to 22 years ago and was thrown headfirst into a world that didn't include booze and drugs, I  decided I was going to put out as much energy into learning a new way of life as I had in living life loaded.

When I became disabled 11 years ago as the result of an incomplete spinal cord injury, I also became determined to live life rather than merely survive it.

It didn't matter that I didn't know how to accomplish those two things. It just mattered that I do them to stay alive and mostly sane.

In the years following those two decisions, I have come to understand that I didn't need to know how. The how of it all just sort of appeared as I kept to the path I had chosen for myself. Sometimes it seemed simple, sometimes it was so difficult that I could only keep my head above water and survive for months or years at a time but I never lost the passion and desire for learning a new way of life and living rather than merely surviving.

As much as I'd like to say that if you practice these 11 things you can learn how to live rather than survive too, I can't. What works for one may not work for another. These are just the things that worked and continue to work for me. But if one doesn't work, maybe another will or you'll be inspired to find out what does work to help you live life rather than survive it.

Be positive. Learn to recognize the negative stuff you think about: the self-doubts, the criticisms of others, the complaints, the why-mes, the excuses why you can't do something. Once you recognize negative stuff, change it right then. Stop yourself when you have these thoughts, and replace them with positive thoughts. Possible solutions, affirmations, happy thoughts, prayers, whatever- it doesn't really matter as long as it is positive. If you are not focused on the solution, you are living in the problem and that makes life miserable.

Don't suffer. I don't suffer much. I don't suffer fools or life. Life isn't all about fun and games.  We lose our jobs. A close relationship breaks apart. A loved one dies. We get physically injured or sick. A loved one becomes sick. Learn to feel the pain intensely, and really grieve. This is a part of life- really feel the pain, walk through it. And when you're done, move on, and find joy. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Focus on now. Instead of thinking about things you need to do, or things that have happened to you, or worrying or planning or regretting, think about what you are doing, right now. What is around you? What smells and sounds and sights and feelings are you experiencing? Learning this through meditation is great, but by bringing your focus back to the present as much as you can in everything helps you to live life on life's terms.

Learn new stuff. Constantly learn something new instead of stagnating. Not because you're a dolt but because learning encourages growth and fosters empowerment. Accepting yourself as you are, and learning to love who you are is a part of evolution but without learning and growth we stagnate and become stodgy and inflexible.

Find spirituality. For some, this means finding God or Jesus or Allah or Buddha. For others, this means being in tune with the spirits of our ancestors, or with nature. For still others, this just means an inner energy or knowledge. Whatever spirituality means for you, rediscover it, and its power.

Be of service. Don't just donate money or stuff you don't want anymore. Donate your time. Get out of your house and find those who live in worse conditions. Mentor someone. Be a child's advocate. Sponsor a recovering addict or alcoholic. Help at homeless soup kitchens. Foster a homeless pet. Volunteer at a hospital or hospice. Meet people, talk to them, work at understanding them. Live among them. Be one of them. Learn compassion and give of yourself. Touch humanity.

Find your passion. Take a chance and discover your calling. Make your living by doing the thing you love to do. First, think about what you really love to do. There may be many things. Find out how you can make a living doing it. It may not be easy, but you only live this life once.

Lose control. Come to understand that control is actually an illusion. We can control how we think and our behaviors to some extent but we control very little of what happens in life. It's generally a bad idea to try to control others; it rarely leads to anything other than stress and unhappiness for everyone concerned. Let others live, and live for yourself. 

Spend time with children. Kids really know how to live. They experience everything  right now, with everything they have. When they get hurt, they really cry. When they play, they really have fun. Learn from them, play with them, and work to be joyful like them.

Talk to old people. There are no one wiser, more experienced, more learned, than those who have lived through life. They can tell you amazing stories. Give you advice on making a marriage last or staying out of debt. Tell you about their regrets and failures, so you can learn from them and hopefully avoid the same mistakes. They are the wisdom of our society. Take advantage of their lives while they're still around.

Love. Maybe the most important. Is your heart a tough bundle of scar tissue? Learn to open it, have it ready to receive love, to give love unconditionally. If you have a problem with this, talk to someone about it. And practice makes perfect. Fall in love, if you aren't already. If you are in love, fall in love with your partner all over again. Abandon caution and open your heart to life. Or love family members, friends, anyone. It doesn't have to be romantic love. Work at love and being loved, one person at a time.

Grace

I was talking with a friend recently who was having what I assumed to be just a bad day. As we talked, I tried to lift her spirits and lighten her load with some laughter. I reminded her that whatever it was could be worse. She could be like me: fat, crippled, and leaky. She simply said flatly, "It IS worse. I just found out my kid has a congenital heart defect." I was stunned into speechlessness. It sure beat the hell out of out MY stuff.

Her son, who is nearly a couple of years old, had just been diagnosed with Subaortic Stenosis a few days before. Now, out of the blue, she and her family have been dropped into alternate world where everyone's kid has a life threatening illness. I can't help but think that my friend and her husband must feel as though have been kicked out of the ordinary world they resided in before and are now citizens of the Land of the Screwed.

They now must live with the fact that their son has this defect that narrows the ventricle of his heart and can severely impair the blood flow out of his heart. Treatment depends on the cause and the severity of the narrowing. It can include drugs or surgery. It amazes me that my friend, the mother- a talented, creative spirit, accomplished writer, and highly successful, self-employed business woman can still even dress herself, let alone stay so strong and tender.

Last week was a kind of rough one. The flu and pneumonia are no fun and I started feeling like a wired, tired toddler who had way too much sugar and not enough naptime. I decided to have a chat with the Goddess, "You know what? I'm sure you know what you’re doing”, I said accusingly, “but my patience is beginning to wear REALLY fucking thin…"  It took awhile to get past the cacophony in my head to remember that all I needed to do was to be kind and gentle and SILENT with myself.

Silence, I think, comes from the same spot in the universe that gives birth to appreciation, space and breath. Its magic can sometimes lull me into a state of meditation instead of frustrating rumination and hand wringing.

So sitting there, resting in the pristine stillness of silence, I again thought of my friend and her family. I looked around and asked the Goddess, "What on earth are you THINKING?! WTF?!"

And Then Comes Wisdom

We are Human Beings not Human Doings. Sometimes being means we just have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

I used to be in almost constant motion- a million things to do. Some people still say that about me and it might be true but a lot of what I do now, I do sitting.

Yet, years ago, before the spinal cord injury, before the depression, there was always something that HAD to be done: dishes, housekeeping, shopping, dog walking, writing, working, etc. But in the last several years, I have had to learn how to live differently. I have had to find the ability to live with the enormity of what I can't control and what I don't know. I've found that, in reality, very little HAS to be done. The living room does not have to be dusted today; the dishes can wait, the third draft of that article does not have to be written at three in the morning.

Being unable to do a lot of anything that didn't need to be done, I did the impossible. I lowered my standards and changed my perfectionist expectations. I quit looking for that place where the happy medium resided- that spot where there is no discomfort between my need to slow down and desire to fulfill my commitments and meet my responsibilities. People sometimes tell me I am strong or brave or both when I talk with them about my daily struggles, which I don’t often do. They tell me I am deal with it all incredibly well.

But I am not strong or brave or particularly collected about my disability. I just don’t see any other way around dealing with it except to deal with it in as straightforward a manner as I do with other things. People do not always see how resentful, apathetic and hateful I can be about the pain and the other issues that come from having an invisible disability such as mine.

They don't always see my struggle to stretch in some places while learning to accept who I am now, how I am now, in others. They do not always know I am not always people friendly.  It still is not always easy to accept my limitations or recognize when not to give of my time or energy just because I think I should be able to or because I used to be able to. And so I must sometimes depend on the people around me to teach me what I must learn.

My friends and loved ones help me to learn what I can and cannot give them and when by remaining accepting, loving and honest. They remind me that it doesn't matter how far or how fast I move- only how much of myself I bring with me on the journey.

Wisdom uncloaks in shadow and is more easily seen in darkness than in light. I've discovered that if I was to find the wisdom to live with what I couldn't control, what I didn't know, what was painful and still choose life, I had to be willing to meet her in the dark, scary places. Wisdom was there, in the moment when it seemed impossible, when I thought I had nothing more to pull from; she was there in the darkness, pushing me far beyond where I thought I could go.

Wisdom reveals to us what we cannot control or change, shows us what is hard to know about who we are and our spot in the world. She scratches at what we think we know until we are submerged in the largess of the mystery of life- all the while asking that we choose to experience the gorgeous moments life offers and live full, rich and wide lives instead of just hanging on, surviving or continuing.

So what people see as bravery or strength is really surrender. It is a blatant refusal to close my eyes and heart and a choice to stay awake while I am sometimes tossed around like a ragdoll by what I can't control. It is a choice to surrender to what needs to be done without fighting it, worrying over it, or adding to the discomfort with unnecessary anxiety or anger. It is working at finding a way to simply live with the discomfort, accepting it without struggle or the expectation of resolution. It is hard work.

When we surrender, when we cease fighting life when Wisdom calls upon us, we are miraculously carried and the strength to do what must done, the grace to live with the unlivable finds us. It's only then that something can enter- there in the place where there is no trying. There is only being and doing what needs to be done anyway.

NaBloMoPo 05 :: Truth Telling

"We admitted we were ignoring the disordered crap that was right in our faces and it was making us crazy".
~: Anonymous

Each of us has in our possession our own truths.  By sharing these truths we open ourselves up to intimacy and healing, with each other and ourselves. But we still neglect them, fearing judgement, conflict, or worse, loss. We hope we can avoid "having to the tell truth" by romancing half-truths and flirting with deception.