krishanna|dot|com

Are You Living Life or Surviving It?

When I came to 22 years ago and was thrown headfirst into a world that didn't include booze and drugs, I  decided I was going to put out as much energy into learning a new way of life as I had in living life loaded.

When I became disabled 11 years ago as the result of an incomplete spinal cord injury, I also became determined to live life rather than merely survive it.

It didn't matter that I didn't know how to accomplish those two things. It just mattered that I do them to stay alive and mostly sane.

In the years following those two decisions, I have come to understand that I didn't need to know how. The how of it all just sort of appeared as I kept to the path I had chosen for myself. Sometimes it seemed simple, sometimes it was so difficult that I could only keep my head above water and survive for months or years at a time but I never lost the passion and desire for learning a new way of life and living rather than merely surviving.

As much as I'd like to say that if you practice these 11 things you can learn how to live rather than survive too, I can't. What works for one may not work for another. These are just the things that worked and continue to work for me. But if one doesn't work, maybe another will or you'll be inspired to find out what does work to help you live life rather than survive it.

Be positive. Learn to recognize the negative stuff you think about: the self-doubts, the criticisms of others, the complaints, the why-mes, the excuses why you can't do something. Once you recognize negative stuff, change it right then. Stop yourself when you have these thoughts, and replace them with positive thoughts. Possible solutions, affirmations, happy thoughts, prayers, whatever- it doesn't really matter as long as it is positive. If you are not focused on the solution, you are living in the problem and that makes life miserable.

Don't suffer. I don't suffer much. I don't suffer fools or life. Life isn't all about fun and games.  We lose our jobs. A close relationship breaks apart. A loved one dies. We get physically injured or sick. A loved one becomes sick. Learn to feel the pain intensely, and really grieve. This is a part of life- really feel the pain, walk through it. And when you're done, move on, and find joy. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Focus on now. Instead of thinking about things you need to do, or things that have happened to you, or worrying or planning or regretting, think about what you are doing, right now. What is around you? What smells and sounds and sights and feelings are you experiencing? Learning this through meditation is great, but by bringing your focus back to the present as much as you can in everything helps you to live life on life's terms.

Learn new stuff. Constantly learn something new instead of stagnating. Not because you're a dolt but because learning encourages growth and fosters empowerment. Accepting yourself as you are, and learning to love who you are is a part of evolution but without learning and growth we stagnate and become stodgy and inflexible.

Find spirituality. For some, this means finding God or Jesus or Allah or Buddha. For others, this means being in tune with the spirits of our ancestors, or with nature. For still others, this just means an inner energy or knowledge. Whatever spirituality means for you, rediscover it, and its power.

Be of service. Don't just donate money or stuff you don't want anymore. Donate your time. Get out of your house and find those who live in worse conditions. Mentor someone. Be a child's advocate. Sponsor a recovering addict or alcoholic. Help at homeless soup kitchens. Foster a homeless pet. Volunteer at a hospital or hospice. Meet people, talk to them, work at understanding them. Live among them. Be one of them. Learn compassion and give of yourself. Touch humanity.

Find your passion. Take a chance and discover your calling. Make your living by doing the thing you love to do. First, think about what you really love to do. There may be many things. Find out how you can make a living doing it. It may not be easy, but you only live this life once.

Lose control. Come to understand that control is actually an illusion. We can control how we think and our behaviors to some extent but we control very little of what happens in life. It's generally a bad idea to try to control others; it rarely leads to anything other than stress and unhappiness for everyone concerned. Let others live, and live for yourself. 

Spend time with children. Kids really know how to live. They experience everything  right now, with everything they have. When they get hurt, they really cry. When they play, they really have fun. Learn from them, play with them, and work to be joyful like them.

Talk to old people. There are no one wiser, more experienced, more learned, than those who have lived through life. They can tell you amazing stories. Give you advice on making a marriage last or staying out of debt. Tell you about their regrets and failures, so you can learn from them and hopefully avoid the same mistakes. They are the wisdom of our society. Take advantage of their lives while they're still around.

Love. Maybe the most important. Is your heart a tough bundle of scar tissue? Learn to open it, have it ready to receive love, to give love unconditionally. If you have a problem with this, talk to someone about it. And practice makes perfect. Fall in love, if you aren't already. If you are in love, fall in love with your partner all over again. Abandon caution and open your heart to life. Or love family members, friends, anyone. It doesn't have to be romantic love. Work at love and being loved, one person at a time.

The 4th Step- The Huge Hairy Deal With Fangs

Here's another WTF? Moment

For those you who don't know, 11 years before I became fat, gimpy and oh-so artsy fartsy, I was a chubby, alcoholic, pot smoking, speed freaked fag hag. Okay.. so maybe not a REAL fag hag.. just a wannabe, but I digress.

The point is at 23 years old (I will be 43 this year), I was rendered sober and my life became one with the cult of Bill W. Now before someone who is a member of a 12 Step program reads this and gets all huffy and takes my inventory in the comments box, let me say those 12 Steps and the people who put up with and supported my annoying, needy, grumpy, crazy ass in those first years, saved what was then my pathetic excuse for a life. Got it?

I think AA, CA, NA, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera are all terrific tools and peer support for people who WANT it because the shit only works if you want it. If you just need it, it doesn't work...successfully. Far too many times I've seen people who need but don't want what a 12 Step program offers end up back out on the street paying for a rock of crack with a blow job and their car. They need to pull their heads out of their dumb asses and realize what the fuck they are doing to themselves but they don't WANT to.

Keep reading.  There's a point. Honest.

This year, Goddess willing and if the creek doesn't rise, I'll have 20 years of sobriety in July. I wanted what CA and AA had to offer me. And before you write to congratulate me on a job well done, let me say it's a lot harder to be sober for 20 days or 20 months than it is to be sober for 20 years. By now, sobriety is a way of life for me. If I'm stressed out I'm far more likely to head to the grocery store than the liquor store or to the hood to score. That's the real truth of it.
There's been some shit happen to me in these 20 years that had I known what I was getting into in the beginning, I would've just said, "Hand me a cocktail and a line because this is bullshit." However, the powers that be in their infinite wisdom kept me stupid and still, after all these years, only allow me to glean their wisdom sporadically.

Really.  I'm getting to the point.

Now one of these things I had to do to get sober and stay sober was to do a "Fourth Step"- a "searching and fearless moral inventory" of myself. It's probably the most dreaded step next to the 9th Step which is making amends to the people we fucked over (if they are still talking to you), including yourself. Anyway, I made a big drama about doing a 4th Step and so by the time, I actually sat down to do it it was actually a bit anti-climactic. I had made it into this huge, hairy fucking deal with fangs and it wasn't. It would've taken less than a week to do, if I hadn't been such a damn drama queen about getting it done.

Okay so here it is. The point of this entry.

One of the dearest people to me in the world has almost got her first year of sobriety. I am very proud of her. She has struggled for 5 years that I know of with addiction and now, she has nearly a year of continuous sobriety. She is now "getting ready" to do her 4th step. In our last conversation about it, I told her it wasn't going to be the huge thing she was envisioning it to be.

So she sends me this e-mail a few days ago. It has this attachment of a template - A TEMPLATE- for a 4th Step. I think to myself, that's a little odd but okay it might help. Then I click and open it up. It's FOURTEEN FUCKING PAGES LONG and includes ONE-HUNDRED AND THIRTY-EIGHT soul searching questions. So much for my reassurances it wouldn't be a big, hairy deal.

WTF?Are they trying to undo 10 months of clean time or WHAT?

My first thought was, "Holy shit!"

The second: "Damn! I'm glad that wasn't floating around when I got sober".

My 4th Step consisted of FIVE lists that I compiled. The Shit That Pissed Me Off (Resentments),The Scary Shit Hiding in the Dark (Fears), The Fucked Up Shit I Did to Other People (Harm to Others) and the Sex Shit I Was Ashamed Of (Sexual Conduct). My orders were to write everything I could remember, beginning as far back as I could, as honestly as I could. My sponsor assured me that anything I was likely to forget would rear it's ugly head in due time and she was true to her word. There was no need to make any more ICKY than it already was.

Honestly, is this 138 question, 14 page inventory really necessary? It seems like OVERKILL to me. Years of sobriety and time spent among the Twelve Steppers tells me it is. The idea behind sobriety is to clean up the wreckage of your presence, live a good life, laugh, love some people along the way and keep things and life as fucking simple as you can.

I did my itty bitty 4th Step inventory and have been able to successfully avoid bending my elbow or seeking out the nearest ganja wholesaler, in spite of the some the monumental dumbass shit I did AFTER I got sober.

But leave it booze hounds and dope fiends to make something simple and relatively easy into SOMETHING NO ONE WOULD EVER WANT TO FUCKING DO with or without drugs and alcohol. I looked at some of the questions after I got over my initial shock and suddenly had to fight the compulsion to head to the grocery store for a bag of FrenchVanilla Milano cookies and a quart of chocolate milk to wash them down. Damn.

I wish I could tell my friend, "Fuck that.  Don't do it. Go here and do it this way. It will work just as well," and I guess I can. But I am also attempting to go with the flow and support what her sponsor believes she should do. She's only doing what her sponsor told her to do. When you are helping someone pull their shit together, having someone in the background questioning everything you do is really a pisser. I know because it's happened to me on more than one occasion. And when it comes down to it, if my friend's sponsor did then I guess my friend can too. I'm just glad it ain't fucking me that has to do it.

Think I should send her a sympathy or a condolence card?