krishanna|dot|com

My Father Pulls a Joan Crawford From the Urn

If you aren't familiar with what Joan Crawford did to her children in her will, here's a brief synopsis: After bullying and abusing her kids for years, Joan Crawford left nothing to 2 of her adopted children "for reasons well known to them".

I am documenting my last few days this way so I can share this journey with other people who have an interest and in the hopes that people who may find themselves in similar circumstances will find something they can use in this series of posts.

Thursday, October 22, 2009, Mid-Afternoon

So picking up from my last post, I got a phone call from my father's widow no long after I spoke with her pastor about adding us to the memorial service bulletin.

Annie: Hello. This is Annie.

Me: Hi, Annie.

Annie: I'm calling about Duke's memorial service. You wanted to be acknowledged on the bulletin?

Me: Yes, I would and so would his 3 other daughters. He had 17 years with my mother before he met you.

Annie: I know he did and he 22 years here with me and his family and friends. he loved and cared for! Well, the church isn't going to include any survivors on the bulletin. You weren't included because Duke didn't want you acknowledged in any way. So, even though it is against his wishes, there will be no survivors listed on the bulletin. I'm sure he sees what's going on and will forgive me.

Me: Why didn't he want us included? What about the obituary?

Annie: You never visited, you never called, you never even bothered to send a Christmas card. He said that since you guys didn't want to have anything to do with him, you didn't deserve to acknowledged as his kids.You weren't listed in the obituary because he didn't want you listed. He only wanted his wife and son in the obituary.

Me: We had very good reasons not want to have anything to with him. We can't just be erased.

A Job For the Drama Llama

Thursday, October 22, 2009, Early Afternoon

Okay, so the church my father had been attending is having his memorial service.  After talking to my sister and checking with the other two daughters, we 've decided to ask the church to include us in the church bulletin for genealogical reasons. My sister and one of the other sisters are into genealogy and so, it would be nice to have some acknowledgment; especially since we were not acknowledged on the obituary.

I called the church, to give the church administrative assistant the appropriate information and leave word that I'd like to talk with the Pastor. She is a little surprised to be hearing from someone who claims she's Duke Spencer's daughter. It went something like this:

Me: Hello, my name is Krishanna Spencer and I am Duke Spencer's daughter. I would like to speak with the pastor before tomorrow's memorial service.

Admin Assistant: <silence...silence...silence> Ohhhhhh... okay. What is this in reference to?

Me: I would like to be included on the church bulletin along with my other 3 sisters.

Admin Assistant: <silence...silence...silence> Ohhhhhh... okay.

Me: I realize this is probably catching you offguard.

Admin Assistant: Er, well, yes...are you coming to the service? What did you say your name was?

Me: No, I won't be attending the memorial service. My name is Krishanna Spencer.

Admin Assistant: And your sister's names?

Me: Let make sure I have the names right.

Admin Assistant: You don't know your sister's names?

Me: I know their names, I just need to make sure I have their full names right. They are actually half-sisters. We just found them a couple of years ago.

Admin Assistant: Oh. My, he was a busy man!

Me: Yes, yes he was.

Surviving George Owen

This obituary appeared in the Payson, Arizona newspaper, The Payson Roundup, some time in the last 7 days.

George “Duke” Spencer died Oct. 14, 2009 in Payson. He was born May 8, 1927 in Illinois.

Mr. Spencer moved to Payson in 1991. The Army veteran worked for a time as an actor in Hollywood, appearing in the John Wayne film “War Wagon” and the films “Hour of the Gun” and “Prison,” among others. He was also a volunteer with the Special Olympics program.

He is survived by his wife, Annie G.S. Spencer of Payson; son, John Shaffer Spencer of Chandler; and grandson, Kyle.

There will be a memorial service at 3 p.m., Friday, Oct. 23 at Mount Cross Lutheran Church in Payson.

Donations in Mr. Spencer’s name may be made to Hospice Compassus or to a special fund for Annie Spencer at Wells Fargo Bank.

You might wondering who this guy is and why I posted his obituary. He was my father and much of the information listed in that obituary are lies and mistruths.

George “Duke” Spencer

My father’s name was George Owen Spencer. Most people called him “Duke” after a figment of my father’s imagination. He was also called “Sam”, “Owen” and “Guy” at various times throughout his life.

An Army Veteran

My father was born in  May of 1927. This would have made him 18 in 1945. World War II ended in late April and early May of 1945 when the Germans surrendered. Technically, having been in the Army qualifies you as an Army veteran. Does that mean one is a “veteran” in the terms we tend to think of?   George Owen Spencer never went overseas, never saw combat and the German surrender ended his army career.

An Actor in Hollywood

Ahem. This is a ginormous load of shit. It’s true my father always wanted to be an actor. It’s true he thought of himself as actor. But the only acting he really did was off camera.

War Wagon & Hour of the Gun

Both of these films were released in 1967 and he is not in the credits of either film. No SAG card either. I was born in 1964. My father was working for the state of Utah during 1965 and 1966. This means he would have had to have been in two places at once! My mother moved herself and I from Utah to California in 1967. My father followed that same year from Utah and probably stepped foot in Hollywood for the first time then.

Prison

He was actually in this one. He’s in the credits AND he actually worked at the prison where it was filmed. I also remember he mentioned something about it in a phone call. I’ve never seen it and it’s not in my top 50 movies to see even if Viggo Mortensen has the lead

Survived By

Ms. Annie G. S. Spencer would lead all of Payson to believe the man had only one wife and one child.  The truth is he is survived by FOUR natural daughters. He adopted two sons; one is deceased and the other is mentioned in the obituary. By our count, he had at least five wives.

My first thought was when I saw the e-mail was "He's finally dead". I have not cast eyes on him in 26 years nor spoken to him in 20. The only reason we know he is dead is because my sister and I set up Google Alerts to let us know when an obituary was posted. Although his widow had both my sister's and my mother's telephone numbers, she chose not to call and let anyone know of his death.

The memories my mother, my sister and I have of him are tainted with lies, betrayal, sexual abuse, abandonment and loss. We’ve spent years sifting truth from untruth, like prospectors mining for gold in a pan.

I feel relieved, at peace, and freer.

I have indeed survived him.

The Dalai Lama on Praise and Criticism

"If we really stop to think about praise and criticism, we will see they do not have the least importance. Whether we receive praise or criticism is of no account. The only important thing is that we have a pure motivation, and let the law of cause and effect be our witness. If we are really honest, we can see that it makes no difference whether we receive praise and acclaim.

The whole world might sing our praises, but if we have done something wrong, then we will still have to suffer the consequences for ourselves, and we cannot escape them. If we act only out of a pure motivation, all the beings of the three realms can criticize and rebuke us, but none of them will be able to cause us to suffer. According to the law of karma, each and every one of us must answer individually for our actions."

"This is how we can put a stop to these kinds of thoughts altogether, by seeing how they are completely insubstantial, like dreams or magical illusions. When people praise us and we glow with delight, it is because we think that being praised is beneficial. But that is like thinking that there is some substance to a rainbow or a dream. However much benefit appears to accrue from praise and acclaim, actually there's none at all."    ~The Dalai Lama

Not Just Navel Gazing

My Dearest Readers~

I am not just contemplating my navel. Honest.  I am still here and I still think about you and this blog everyday. The way in which I live my life on the web has changed dramatically and naturally, so has the way I blog or don't blog.

The minutiae of daily life feels too trivial and too boring to relay to you. The summer was hot and long and I spent most of it just getting through. My pain levels climb to 6 or 7 (on a good day) and remain there throughout the summer. Between managing pain and working on the web more and more, there's little energy left in the bank for personal blogging. It's been all about television and Second Life from my recliner most evenings this summer.

There are parts of my life that feel too vulnerable to offer up to public consumption these days. Many of my opinions about current events,  and the communities I am involved with cause unnecessary friction in a world that is already fraught with polarization and myopia. 

There's change on the wind everywhere.

It's autumn now, not officially yet, but I can smell it and feel it.  The nights are cooler the days are getting shorter and while everyone is beginning to dread the arrival of winter I am feeling more inspired and energetic each day.

So thanks for checking in and keeping tabs on me.  I appreciate it more than you know. More to come very soon.

P.S. The navel above belongs to Ms. Abitibi, not me. She's got other cool photos on her Flickr photostream that are worth a look, if you're into that sort of thing.  =^.^=